Heartbreak 101: How to recover from a break up

So it happened: you've been dumped.

Or perhaps you did the dumping, but you're still pretty broken up about it.

Whether it's your first break up or your tenth, it still stings.
[However, if it IS your tenth, might I suggest some therapy to figure out why you keep choosing to put yourself thru this?]

Regardless of how it happened, here are some things to remember:

1. This is going to hurt and it's going to hurt for awhile.  If you ascribe to the Sex and the City philosophy, it takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.  Personally, I find that it's more like a third of the time.  Went out for a year? They'll be out of your system in four months.  Dated for a month? Give yourself a week and a half.

2.  You'll think you're over it a hundred times before you actually are.  One of the best bits of wisdom I ever got from my therapist is that breaking up is like dealing with death.  You'll go thru all the stages of grief [denial, anger, bargaining, depression, etc.] and you'll go thru them more than once until you finally reach full acceptance.  But here's a secret I learned on my own: for most of the stages you're not mourning the loss of this other person in your life, you're actually mourning the loss of the relationship itself.  After putting so much time and energy into something, it's only natural to be bummed when it all comes crumbling down.  It's like watching your best built snowman melt in the afternoon sun.  Realize that it's not the person that you're missing, but rather the comfort of the relationship you built together and eventually you can build one again with someone more worthy.

3. It's okay to be alone for awhile.  I know, your automatic reaction is to jump right back into the dating pool to avoid that lonely empty feeling that keeps tugging at your soul, but that's usually a bad idea.  The rebound relationship is a cliche for a reason: it happens all the time and you usually regret it.  Personally, I think that the more time you spend alone after a break up, the quicker the whole grieving process can end.  Distracting yourself with a second relationship only delays you from dealing with the emotions of the first one.  I speak from experience when I say that rebounding will only make the heartbreak hit you harder, once your shiny new toy has lost some of it's unique appeal.  Being alone after breaking up allows you time not only to really feel what you're going thru and eventually get it out of your system, but also to reassess your life alone.  It's amazing how complicated it is trying to distinguish the things that you like from the things that you liked for them.

4. If you must rebound, make it quick and meaningless.  Do not, I repeat: DO NOT rebound with someone you hope to be friends with after the relationship ends.  As heartless as it sounds, your rebound should be like those Kleenex you're using to dry your tears: comforting to have around for the moment, but easily disposable when things get messy.  And trust me, YOU will be the thing that gets messy.  Once you realize that all of those residual feelings from the breakup are still stirring inside of you, it's time to get out of this so called relationship and deal with the emotions on your own.  Don't drag your poor rebound onto your sinking ship; they didn't make that mess and they certainly don't deserve to have to clean it up.  Cut them loose before either of you gets too attached; you're in no position to have someone at your side if you can't even stand on your own two feet yet.

5. You will soon feel invincible.  If this is your first REAL heartbreak, you can rest assured that nothing will ever hurt like this again.  It's both sad and comforting to know that your heart hardens with that first break. Afterwards, you're not only smarter about who you give your love to, but you'll also never lose yourself in your emotions quite like that first time.  It might sound rather unromantic, but there's a strange euphoria that comes with this realization.  It's comforting to know that no one else will ever hurt you in this same way again.  Realize that if you can survive this, you can survive just about anything life throws at you.
♥