Experience Preferred... [but not required.]

Matchmaking 101: Bachelor #3

2010-07-09T15:42:00.006-05:00

A message from Pepe LePew:

I had to say yes, right? Even if his suave European approach was mildly annoying, a date with an overly-confident Frenchman would at the very least make for a good story.

Unfortunately, it never happened.

We exchanged numbers,

set a date,

and then he tried to change our meeting time at the last minute.

I wasn't up for the hassle so we called the whole thing off

...and the very next day I met my boyfriend.

[More on that to come.]

Flirting 101: Train spotting [part 2]

2010-04-12T20:27:00.008-05:00

As I continued to steal glances at hipster boy, noting the adorable way his blue plaid shirt perfectly matched his sneakers and his skinny jeans straddled that line between too tight and just tight enough, I felt compelled to let him know how attractive I found him. I liked his style, but more importantly, he was just darn cute.

I spent the majority of the train ride debating whether or not the chance at conversation with hipster boy would outweigh the fear of talking to a complete stranger. The Match project has certainly made me more comfortable with conversing with someone I've never met, but I still rarely start an interaction that's not warranted by someone talking to me first. However, when hipster boy moved from standing near me to occupying the newly emptied seat directly next to me, I felt obligated to seize the opportunity.

Frankly, it would not be completely unheard of for me to go the crazy stranger route and simply turn to a boy and say "You're really cute" out of nowhere. Thankfully, on this particular occasion, I found a conversational in. You see, hipster boy was wearing headphones. Not earbuds, but old school, DJ spinning headphones. You can find them often at Urban Outfitters which almost definitively makes them a hipster trademark. I've noticed them often around the city and always wondered if they were functionally superior or simply stylistically cooler than my measly little buds. Emboldened by my non-crazy reason to speak, I tapped hipster boy on the shoulder.

Me: "Can I ask you a question?"

Hipster Boy: "Shoot." [his casual and still friendly response made me like him even more]

Me: "Are those type of headphones better than earbuds? Like do they have a better sound? Or is it simply a style choice?"

Hipster Boy: "Well I like them because I think they're more comfortable. I don't like sticking things in my ears. But they also have a better sound. You can hear the bass clearer. Your ears aren't being bombarded by the sound the way they are with earbuds." [boys who know music are sexy]

Me: "Ok, I always wondered if it was just a style choice or a musical choice."

Hipster Boy: "Yeah, I just like them better all around."

Me: "Ok...You're hot by the way."

Hipster Boy: [flattered and only mildly scared by my craziness] "Well thank you."

Me: "I figure it's always good to hear that."

Hipster Boy: "Yes, yes it is."

And that was the end.

We went back to our respective iPod music [mine connected to earbuds, his to the musically superior headphones] and a few stops later he exited the train. Best part: I didn't feel rejected at all. I'm glad that I spoke to him. If I'd let him sit in silence next to me for the entire commute, I would have always wondered what might have happened if I'd just said what I was thinking. Following my gut instinct felt good. Plus, it opened a window of opportunity for him to return an interest. So what if he didn't take it? At least he went home that day feeling a little bit hotter.

Flirting 101: Train spotting [part 1]

2010-03-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

Since moving to this city, I've been hit on while riding public transportation at least 3 times:

The first was during a 2am ride home from a party downtown. A young, drunk romeo decided that I looked "artistic and passionate" and simply had to come home with him. [I didn't.]

The second was an elderly gentleman who was fascinated by my "beautiful hair." He touched me in appropriate places, but for very inappropriate amounts of time during the majority of my ride home from work.

The third was rather boisterous lesbian. She loved my sunglasses, my ipod music, the fact that I used to be a dancer. She even did a little dancing of her own for me right in the back of the bus. I now think twice before wearing a blazer with short hair...it could be sending the wrong message.

I recently shared my tales of public transflirtations with an Indy friend and his response was "Man, people in Chicago are bold to hit on a complete stranger." I explained to him that it's less a question of boldness and more a situation where attraction meets opportunity. After all, it's not often that you catch a glimpse of a stranger you fancy and then have an adequate amount of time to get up the courage to talk to them. Public transportation provides not only the exposure to people you may never otherwise meet, but also a window of time in which to strike up a conversation.

Ironically enough, just days after giving this explanation, I was presented with my own scenario of attraction meeting opportunity on the CTA.

I had taken half the day off and was making the hour trek from work on the north side to an audition on the south side. It was one of the first beautiful days of spring and I think I'd been hit with a bit of spring fever. With every step of my commute, I noticed more and more cute boys, but it wasn't until I boarded the red line that one boy in particular stood out.

I noticed him at first for his hipster garb [hipster boys are sexy.], but as I continued to steal glances, I found him more and more attractive beyond his style choices. Attraction, for me, is a funny thing. I'm rarely drawn to someone on sight alone. On the rare [perhaps only 2-3] occasions in my life that I have found someone so completely attractive, it's not because they're a dead ringer for Brad Pitt or anything, there's just something about them that draws me in. I can't explain it. Whatever that X factor is for me, this guy had it and for the first time in my life, I HAD to talk to him.

to be continued...

Flirting 101: The Delivery Guy Saga

2010-03-28T16:52:00.013-05:00

The power of being female

[as told through facebook status updates]:

Delivery Guy @ work:

[his reasoning: if i had someone to cuddle with, then i would like snow.]

And for the Bonus Track -

Gas Station Attendant near work:

In conclusion: I may not be the type of girl who asks for gifts and compliments, but I sure am happy to receive them.

Matchmaking 101: Who'd have known?

2010-03-25T23:51:00.004-05:00

Things I'm learning about myself while searching for boys on Match.com:

1. I'm incredibly shallow. Hear me out: I don't consider myself any more shallow than the next person when it comes to real life. Personality plays a big part in my attraction to someone if they're right in front of me. But online, when all there is to catch my attention is a stagnant vanity shot in thumbnail size, I get pretty judgmental. While judging the books by their covers, I've learned that apparently:

only about 1 in 100 guys truly interest me
shaved heads kind of creep me out
blue eyes hypnotize me
a nice smile is important
too many muscles turn me off
[boys with bed head are sexy]
[boys in cool hats are sexy]
[boys who wear glasses are sexy]

2. Boys who like to pose with their guitar like me. Note: I did not say boys who PLAY guitar like me. For all I know, the guys bombarding me with winks as they pretentiously pose with their acoustics can't play a lick. But if they love the way they look with a guitar in their hands, they're usually into me. Take from that what you will.

3. There is no clear definition as to what "about average" body type means. Statistically, I imagine that the average American body type is slightly rotund, so perhaps the cushier men of Match.com are dead on in using that description. However, in my mind, "about average" means a bit leaner, but lacking in muscle and tone. Apparently, this description works on a sliding scale and it always catches me off guard.

...more to come later.

Matchmaking 101: Bachelor #2

2010-03-22T00:40:00.007-05:00

To better understand the Match.com project, it should probably be noted that I have never actually been on a "real" first date. To be honest, I have a tendency to fall in love with my friends, boys that I've had in my life for years who have slowly become irresistible to me. This type of situation often lends itself to an incredible build up to the start of a relationship, complete with years of missed opportunities and underlying attraction, but it doesn't often lend itself to dating in the traditional sense. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I have slight anxiety over the idea of dating someone brand spanking new.

Bachelor #2 was really my premiere first date experience for this project. Yes, there were drinks with Bachelor #1, but the general feel of the meeting was more that of an interview than an actual date. Bachelor #2 went a more traditional route: drinks and a show.

For an actress, I have been woefully neglectful when it comes to taking advantage of the Chicago theatre scene. Therefore, when Bachelor #2 suggested we meet up to see the longest running show in Chicago, I was more than happy to agree. The great thing about a show date is that it can be a bit of a first date cop-out: if there's no dinner or drinks beforehand, the pressure to interact with one another is limited only to the hour or less between meeting up in line and the show's start. At first, I was more than willing to use this situation to my advantage and avoid as much awkward chit chat as possible. However, my financial backer and Miss X would have none of my avoidance tactics. If the point of this project was to meet new people, I would have to carry on an actual in-person conversation with every date. So I agreed to meet Bachelor #2 for drinks beforehand.

Much like the date with Bachelor #1, there was little difficulty in making conversation with Bachelor #2. Ironically, having plenty to talk about seems to be one of the benefits of dating strangers. Questions about family, work, and educational background are all on the agenda, leaving no shortage of conversational material. I may now know more about Bachelor #2's childhood than that of some of my college friends. After all, I've never thought to ask someone I've known for years how many siblings they have or what their parents are like, but these are perfectly appropriate questions to ask during a date with a stranger. Bachelor #2 and I even got around to discussing the traditional conversational taboos: politics and religion. Why? Because we had nothing to lose in doing so. Had we become repulsed by each other's viewpoints, we could have simply parted ways. That's another benefit of the date with a stranger: there's very little investment at risk; should things turn sour with disagreement, just walk away. Thankfully, there was no such conflict that night.

The final verdict on Bachelor #2: Easy conversation and mutual interests made for a very entertaining evening.
We have tentative plans to see another show mid-week
...take from that what you will.

Matchmaking 101: Online Dating Advice from Bachelor #1

2010-03-15T02:28:00.009-05:00

One of the best things about meeting people from the online dating world is the fact that, while everyone's in the same boat, there are still varying levels of experience to be found in the situation. On my date with Bachelor #1, I found that, though we had both signed up around the same time last week, this was not his first foray into online dating. Apparently, he'd tried it years earlier and had some veteran wisdom to pass on to my rookie ways:

1. Assume that every date you meet has at least six other dates lined up after you. Since I'm only just starting to dip my toe into the online dating pool, Bachelor #1 was my only prospect for this past weekend. He, on the other hand, had three different dates lined up, two of which had occurred on the same day. Some people might have found this fact rather insulting, I found it refreshing and smart. You can't put much stock in anyone until you meet them face to face. Increasing your numbers puts the odds of meeting someone worthy more in your favor.

2. If both parties are willing, meet in person as soon as possible. Similar to the multi-date rule, this one goes back to the fact that you can never tell how a meeting will go once you're in person. Bachelor #1 told me a story in which he'd interacted with a girl online for quite some time, getting along famously, but when they finally met after weeks of typing, there simply was no spark. Don't waste your time building a relationship with someone online unless you know that chemistry has begun to translate into real life as well.

3. Always be honest and up front about your feelings for the person you are meeting. I could tell within the first few moments of meeting Bachelor #1 that, while I'd love to have him as a friend, I simply wasn't interested in dating him. The situation was missing that undefinable quality that draws two people together; call it a spark, call it chemistry, whatever, it just wasn't there. Thankfully, we were both on the same page. Even better, we were both up front and honest about the situation. There's no point in wasting a near-strangers time by trying to be polite. If you're not interested, just say so...your confession may even come as a relief.

Matchmaking 101: Bachelor #1

2010-03-14T00:59:00.007-06:00

Shortly after my profile went live on Match.com this past week, Miss X called to inform me that one of the boys she had 'winked' at had messaged me: "Message him back, he's cute and he does yoga."

As I checked out his profile later that day, I found that he was in fact cute and he did in fact do yoga, but what really sold me was that I laughed out loud at his email. [Funny boys are sexy.] So I replied.

Three or four emails later, we arranged for a weekend meet up to explore his neighborhood...that was today.

As fate would have it, it was a dreadful day to explore any neighborhood, with the kind of rain that spits down from the sky sideways and drenches your face even with the protection of an umbrella. To make the best of it, we decided to get a hot drink somewhere and try to wait out the drizzle. Unfortunately, the only cafe on the block was closed for a private party, so we settled for a beer at one of the bustling pubs.

How did the date go?

There wasn't a lull in conversation once, we laughed, we talked, we shared life stories...and neither one of us was interested.

But perhaps I've found a new yoga buddy.

Matchmaking 101: Dating Advice from a Boy

2010-03-13T01:27:00.012-06:00

Tomorrow, I have a 'date' with Bachelor #1 of the Matchmaking Project, but more on him later...

Tonight, I bring you 3 fabulous first date pointers [for me or anyone], courtesy of my friend Los:

1. Be yourself. You have a great personality when you show it off. So show it off.

2. He's not going to ask you to marry him...so don't be nervous. Come up with questions to keep him talking. The more talking he does the more you know about him.

3. Check the self-consciousness at home. Remember: you should always live life to love life. It's important not to stress and always have fun.

And then, just to make sure I understood, he summarized things "in michelle terms":

1. [guys like girls with personality] let it flow.
2. [guys like girls that show genuine interest in their lives] fact.
3. [guys like girls who enjoy the simple things in life] keep it simple & fun.

Matchmaking 101: The Profile

2010-03-11T23:15:00.007-06:00

Miss X should really work in sales.

Here's the pitch she wrote for me:

[and it seems to be winning people over]

...that pretty much sums me up.
She knows me well.

Matchmaking 101: What have I gotten myself into?

2010-03-10T07:11:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, I came to the realization that I will pretty much do anything if it'll make for a good blog.

Let me explain: During a conversation about the current state of my love life with t he most spontaneous boy I know, he suggested that I try to meet guys on Match.com. I laughed and told him I'm not that desperate. He then said it might make for a good blog. That's when I gave it a second thought. By the time he offered to pay the monthly fee, I was sold.

However, this project has a few rules:

1. I don't want to manage the profile. This may sound weird for a blogger, but I'm kind of sick of describing myself. Between twitter, facebook, myspace, personal websites, and various other online outlets, I'm sick of trying to define 'who I am.' Thankfully, my best girl friend [call her Miss X] was more than willing to take the job. She created a fun and flirty description of me that was pretty much spot on. Except I'm much cooler through her eyes.

2. I don't want to spend hours online sorting thru the profiles of prospective dates. Truth time: I've actually done Match.com's free trial before [boredom will make you do crazy things...so will a bottle of wine & an evening of watching too many romantic comedies]. I hate having to sort thru thumbnail after thumbnail of guys trying to look cooler/thinner/hipper than they really are. And reading email after email of "you fine, girl." isn't my cup of tea either. That's why Miss X is my official screening process for this project. She 'winks' at the goods ones and if they respond with an intelligent email, that's when I take over.

3. I have to go out on at least 4 real life dates in 3 months time. My financial backer created this rule to make sure his money's well spent. Originally our deal was one month of membership for 2 dates, but since he was feeling generous and paid for 3 months, the date number was increased to 4. It should be noted that I haven't been on 4 dates in the past 2 years, let along in 3 months. This could get interesting.

Let the games begin.

Sex, Lies, & VideoPhones: Los

2010-03-09T22:01:00.001-06:00

As promised yesterday, here's the [spotlight] interview with Ryan Carlos aka Los.

"You like puppies? I LIKE PUPPIES!"

Los [in the spotlight] from michelle shea walker on Vimeo.

Ryan Carlos aka Los

2010-03-08T18:46:00.014-06:00

Los lives his life in a way most people never have the courage to. Spontaneous is a word created to describe him. Example: About a year ago, just weeks after joining his list of facebook friends, I spotted a status that he was at the airport with nothing more than the clothes on his back, prepared to see where the weekend took him...you wish you were that cool.

And to top it off, he's a great dancer [& boys who can dance are sexy].

His interview occurred on a late night road trip somewhere between Chicago and Indianapolis. While I was thanking God for the video light on my Sony Cybershot, Los felt like he was talking to God from staring directly into it's brightness. Fortunately, he did a great job of keeping those gorgeous almond-shaped eyes from squinting too much at the camera.

Stay tuned later this week for the full interview, but until then, here's a preview including Los's thoughts on the L word:

Los [a preview] from michelle shea walker on Vimeo.

My mind knows no boundaries.

2010-03-02T22:55:00.008-06:00

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like without personal space boundaries.

Strike that, as a female, I'm sure that could get pretty scary. Perhaps I should say I wonder what the world would be like if I had no respect for personal space boundaries.

Let me explain:

Occasionally [probably more often than I should ever admit], I get the urge to kiss complete strangers in public. This phenomenon seems to be happening more frequently now that I take public transportation. Being in such close proximity with such a wide variety of unfamiliar faces makes for an interesting work commute. Yes, there are many bus rides in which I encounter boys I want to touch tongues with just for wearing converse sneakers in my presence, but sometimes the urge to pucker up has nothing at all to do with attraction. It's simply because my imagination lacks the standards of propriety.

It usually starts as a very random thought; something like 'this person's face is right next to mine, wonder what would happen if I just leaned over and kissed them?' Once that impulse enters my mind, I'll notice that our knees are touching or his shoulder has brushed mine. I often marvel at the fact that, given the right time of day, the bus may be crowded enough for full body contact with a complete stranger. I can't even tell you how many boys I've inappropriately fallen into or on top of during a particularly abrupt bus stop. And sometimes, if he's cute, I may have enjoyed it.

Perhaps this all makes me sound like a creepy stalker of the male species, but I doubt my random thoughts are evident to those around me [at least before this blog]. And I figure there's no real harm in enjoying the little things in life...even if the little things include a cute boy's elbow touching mine during a late night ride on the 22.

Flirting 101: Words are Sexy.

2010-02-17T00:06:00.008-06:00

I am a word junkie. I write them, I read them, I rhyme them...nothing excites me quite the same as a perfect turn of phrase. Therefore, there's nothing sexier than a guy who knows his words.

Recently, I used the word "bogarting" in a text to two friends who had no idea what I meant. Once I had been made aware of their confusion [and explained the definition], I sought out a second opinion. Surely, I couldn't be the only one who knew this phrase. So I texted another friend [who just so happens to be a cute boy] to find out if he knew what the term meant.

Without hint or hesitation, he responded with "it means to steal something, right?"...and I fell a little bit in love.
When I mentioned that his understanding of my lingo was quite a turn on, he responded with "because words are sexy."...and I was ready to propose.

Because words ARE sexy. And, nothing against my bogart-confused friends, but having someone get your lingo is even sexier.

I can't tell you how many times a random turn of phrase or quirky slang has made me take notice of a boy. I've crushed hard on both friends and random strangers for using words outside the standard vernacular. Phrases inspired by vintage slang are probably the ones that intrigue me most. Call me a "doll" or a "dame" while chatting me up at a "hip joint" and I might just melt at your feet.

Because words are sexy [and boys who know words are even sexier].

Sex, Lies, & VideoPhones: Corey [pt 1]

2010-02-14T17:00:00.006-06:00

One of the drawbacks of conducting interviews via videophone is that eventually, you're going to run out of space.

Fortunately, Corey's a great sport and patiently waited for me to track down a loaner camera to finish things up.
Unfortunately, that camera and it's footage are both still in Indiana.

We may need a do-over session [sorry, Corey].

But for now, here's part 1:

Corey [part 1] from michelle shea walker on Vimeo.

Happy Hallmark Holiday.

2010-02-14T16:51:00.004-06:00

Believe it or not, I've always loved Valentine's day.

Even when I'm single, I love that there's a holiday that celebrates love. Sometimes the possibility of love is much more powerful and intoxicating than actually being in love, and in that sense valentine's day intoxicates me [as does the celebratory pink champagne, but that's another story].

I don't think I've ever had a depressing Valentine's. Unattached, I take it as an opportunity to surround myself with sappiness. All of those girly romantic comedies that I roll my eyes at during other points in the year suddenly fly off my DVD shelf and into the player. I soak up the emotion of the possibility of love and feel grateful for the love that already exists in my life. Love, in any form, is a good thing.

So this Valentine's day remember: you are loved.

♥

Corey aka Hawt like Corey Morrow

2010-02-09T22:46:00.008-06:00

Corey is Adorable.

Girls love him. The whole room of female interviewers would burst into "awwww's" at almost every answer he gave. He just has that sort of bashful, unassuming quality that makes you want to be his friend...

...his very, very close friend. ;)

Plus, he has great taste in music.

Here's a preview:

Corey [a preview] from michelle shea walker on Vimeo.

Sex, Lies, & VideoPhones: Kevin

2010-02-08T19:12:00.013-06:00

As promised in yesterday's post, here's Kevin Whittington [aka The_Real_CKW] totally uncensored.

I would like to point out that I actually did very little interviewing for this video. Major props to the unabashed beauties in the room who asked the dirty little questions for me.

Kevin [Uncensored] from michelle shea walker on Vimeo.

Kevin aka The Real CKW

2010-02-07T15:45:00.017-06:00

Kevin and I have been friends for at least 6 years. We met doing theatre in college, but he's only recently been catapulted to the ranks of one of my best friends.

I adore Kevin most for his ability to be simultaneously egotistical and caring, a bad boy and a gentleman. Needless to say, when he sat down to be interviewed by a room full of [slightly tipsy] females, nothing was taboo.

From the dirty to the sentimental, Kevin's frank and honest about everything...which is another reason why we're so close.

Here's a preview of what Kevin has to say about falling in love:

The Real CKW [a preview] from michelle shea walker on Vimeo.

Stay tuned later on this week for the full [uncensored] interview.

The Inspiration.

2010-02-07T14:23:00.002-06:00

I always feel that it is important to give credit where credit is due.

Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy nowadays because everyone's inspired by the same themes and stories over and over again, and that's fine. But I never want to be accused of not giving credit to the things that have inspired me.

For several years, I'd toyed with the idea of starting a blog about love and relationships, but never felt quite courageous enough to put my personal life out there in such a blatant way. I've had a few postings under various aliases, but for the most part, I've kept my romantic life confined to the pages of my journal.

That is, until I stumbled across imboycrazy.com by Alexi Wasser. The tone of her blog is quite different than mine, but the essence is the same: giving out advice, not from the stand point of an expert, but from the view of someone who simply has experiences that perhaps can be learned from. My favorite part about Alexi's blog has always been her video interviews. Because her main focus is boys, she often does street interviews with male strangers or friends, asking them random questions about life and relationships. I loved how the variety of people on camera showed both the vast differences in boys as well as the similarities in what most guys are looking for in love.

For this blog, I want to take things a step further. Obviously, I love to talk to boys, but I also want to find out opinions on love from girls and couples as well. What makes certain relationships work and others not? What attracts us to each other? What kind of experience are we all looking for?

Stay tuned for the interviews.

Flirting 101: The Great Exchange.

2010-02-03T00:03:00.011-06:00

I ♥ music. I don't know if it's the dancer in me or the movie buff, but if good music is playing, I know that something exciting is about to occur. Even in my daily life, nothing enhances my walk around this city more than a soundtrack from my beat up iPod. I know just what songs to play to make me smile, zen me out, or even to shake my ass around [which I've been known to do from time to time]. But I also tend to get stuck in a genre and my playlists can become increasingly one-sided [mostly vintage tunes and embarrassing pop, if you must know]. This is why I'm always eager for the chance to discover new and exciting musical territory.

Which brings me to my current obsession: the music swap. Or, as I've titled the playlist on my iTunes: 'The Great Exchange.'

It all started last week when an adorably music-obsessed guy friend sent me a song via email. And I LOVED it. So I sent one back. Then, he sent me another the next day. So I sent him one that day too...and so it goes. It's now become a daily gift exchange that I look forward to and thoroughly enjoy. Not only do I adore presents [even in the form of online files], but best of all, my music collection has expanded well beyond the realms of where I ever could have taken it on my own. And by checking in for my opinions, it's almost as if music man's trying to please me musically the way most guys try to please a girl physically: a little trial and error and a lot of input...and that's sexy.

When you think about it, music is quite personal, particularly for those who love it. 99.9% of the songs on my playlist have at least some emotional meaning [and I wouldn't have it any other way]. But sharing those songs almost starts to feel like sharing a part of myself, which can be scary with anyone, let alone an adorable boy [friend or otherwise]. I have the slight fear that any day now one of my embarrassing little pop songs could slip out and expose me for the complete dork that I really am. But then again, that's me: I can listen to a beautiful Yann Tiersen composition and then turn right around and crank up the Britney [or, God forbid, the Miley] for my own personal dance party. There are different sides to my music collection just like there are different sides to my personality. But for now, I'll try to keep my cool [and keep the Demi Lovato to myself].

Flirting 101: The Crazies

2010-01-27T23:01:00.010-06:00

I have a love/hate relationship with the beginnings of a courtship; the period often referred to as ‘the crush’ is just that: potentially crushing. On the up side, there are butterflies, giddiness, and a general feeling of possibility that leaves you on a high; on the down side, you're dealing with a mess of symptoms that I like to refer to as ‘the crazies.'

Crazy Symptom #1: Loss of Focus

Under normal circumstances, I am a relatively focused and driven individual; when a case of the crush crazies kicks in, I become a child with ADD
...trying to be productive
...in a room with shiny objects, a live elephant, and a personal ice cream chef.
In short, I simply can’t focus on anything.

Sure, I still get stuff done, but I officially have boys on the brain 24/7. Even as I type this, there's a roster of cute boys running through my head...and a live elephant in my living room.

Crazy Symptom #2: Jealousy

I can honestly say that I am NOT a jealous girlfriend. I don't put up with jealousy in my boyfriends and I don't expect them to put up with it in me. If you don't trust a person, you shouldn't be dating them. That being said, I DO get jealous during the crush. I think it's because, during that period, you never quite know where you stand.

But jealousy is a pointless emotion: there's nothing you can do to change a person's feelings about you [or about anyone else]. My only suggestion: just remember that if they can't see how fabulous you are on their own, they're really not worth the stress you're putting into getting jealous.

Now would someone please tattoo that backwards on my forehead so that I'LL remember it?

Crazy Symptom #3: Neediness

I can play the game as cool as a cucumber until I actually admit that I have a crush on someone. Up until that point it's 'flirting,' it's 'friendship,' it's 'fun'...whatever, but the second I realize it's developed into a 'crush,' my insecurity light begins to flash. I hate feeling needy, mostly because I know I'm pretty independent, so when my personality decides to do a bit of a 180 without my permission, I get a little perturbed. I find myself saying the phrase 'I am NOT this girl' quite often when I have a crush, but when you're acting like a crazy person already, it's hard for people to believe you.

I have no easy advice for this symptom, I'm still trying to figure it out myself. For now, here's my remedy: hide your phone, stop your cyber-stalking, and hop into a warm bath with a good book...but maybe that's just what works for me.

Dear readers: I promise to at least partly recover my together, independent demeanor before my next blog post; until then, enjoy the fact that no one has this stuff figured out...but I'll stumble thru it with you if you let me.
♥

An Update.

2010-01-27T21:52:00.002-06:00

I'm behind on my blogging, I know. But here's why:

I got a job!

The pay is miniscule and it's only part time, but at least it's something.

...and a male coworker bought me dinner.
[Boys who buy me vegetarian Mexican food are sexy
...or even if they're not, they earn major bonus points.]

More to come soon, lovelies!

Heartbreak 101: Breakup SWAG

2010-01-23T23:05:00.019-06:00

Breakups are messy. Insults are thrown. Dreams are shattered.
Your life turns into a disaster for that moment in time.

Then one day, when the dust from your battle has finally settled, you look around and see...
a bunch of their forgotten crap.

OR, if you look thru my eyes: FREE STUFF!

Forgotten Object #1: T-shirts

T-shirts are my favorite bit of breakup SWAG, but not for the reason you might think. After a breakup, it's tempting to try and cling to those cozy feelings associated with the objects left behind, but sleeping in that T-shirt doused in his cologne is NOT the best way to get over him. You CAN however, take great pleasure in dousing it with bleach and using it to scrub your bathroom.

You may think I'm joking, but truly the best thing that I ever received from one of my past relationships is the world's greatest re-usable cleaning rag. I never enjoyed scrubbing the tub nearly as much as I do now, knowing it's the sociopath's shirt soaking up that soap scum. Try it. It's quite therapeutic...plus your bathroom will be spotless.

Forgotten Object #2: Jewelry

Whether it be something He gave you or something She left, SELL IT! What better way to move on than by using the cash earned to buy something for your new life?

Personally, I failed in this arena because the only jewelry of value a boyfriend ever gave me [a diamond studded bracelet...and I don't even like bracelets] fell off my wrist in a parking lot 3 years before the relationship ended. But ladies, if you're lucky enough to have any shiny baubles that you can't stand to look at now that he's gone, there's actually a website made just for your special needs: ExBoyfriendJewelry.com.
Or there's always eBay.

Forgotten Object #3: CD's & DVD's

Keep them. Consider it a free contribution to your own collection...unless they suck, then sell or recycle them.

Besides, money will come in handy when you need to replace all the stuff they kept of yours.

Question: What's the weirdest thing that was ever left with you after a breakup?

Flirting 101: Bar Boy

2010-01-21T12:56:00.011-06:00

Apologies for the few days of blogger hiatus; I had a brief two-night opportunity at a social life and had to jump on it [how else could I have these experiences to blog about?].

And speaking of a social life, mine is always at its fullest when I'm back home in Indiana for a weekend. I adore my Chicago buddies, but there's a special dynamic that arises around the Indy crew I've known for years. Plus, the Indy girls and I always know exactly where we want to go on a night out: dancing at The Red Room.

The age old cliche about a girl's night out totally holds true for me: I just want to dance. I love the dancing part of the club scene, but I truly hate being hit on in clubs. The whole idea that the alcohol + dancing situation leads to anything resembling intimacy is completely foreign to me. It seems that even the best of men lose all sense of gentlemanly manners on these occasions, but there's always an exception.

Take notes, boys, because the following account is a how-to for not acting like a creep while out on the town:

1. Get the introduction right.  Regardless of whether or not sex is the only thing on your mind when you approach a girl, it should NOT be indicated by the first words out of your mouth. I once had a drunken Romeo introduce himself by grinding up behind me on the dance floor and shouting "I like small boobs!" into my ear...and just like that, the conversation was over before it even had a chance to start.

Bar Boy used a better approach: Rather than shouting lewd comments in the middle of a loud dance floor, he found a quieter spot to make himself known. A girl friend and I had stepped out onto the balcony of the club for some air, he followed out after us. Whether or not he was following us is hard to say, but it doesn't really matter; what matters is how he treated the situation he found himself in. We were having a discussion about the saying "Beer before liquor, never sicker" so Bar Boy chimed in with a completely relative and appropriate comment about having seen a Myth Busters about that very topic. And just like that, he was in our conversation...no grinding or boob compliments required.

2. Be able to laugh at yourself.  When you put yourself in a situation as ridiculous as trying to pick up a girl at the club, you better be able to have a sense of humor about it. Frankly, everyone can benefit from the ability to laugh at themselves in any situation.

Case in point: at one point during my interaction with Bar Boy, my friend flitted off to compliment a complete stranger's shoes. Bar Boy noted that it's totally a girl trait to even look at a person's shoes. I agreed, but pointed out that he needed to be aware that girls were also noticing his shoes and probably judging him based upon them. When he asked what my opinion was of his unassuming loafers, I smiled and told him that personally, I prefer a boy in Converse. [Boys in Converse are sexy.] And you know what? He laughed. Laughing is so much sexier than getting upset or self-conscious over something trivial that you can't change; laughter made me forgive his unassuming loafers.

3. You're at a club, so you better dance.  In an ideal world, you can dance circles around Justin Timberlake and will have all the girls swooning over your sexy moves. In reality, you probably have that one move that you just keep repeating over and over again. Girls understand that most guys can't dance. In my opinion, that's okay...as long as you're willing to try. As we've covered, girls are usually at the club for the dancing; so if you refuse, you're missing out on a huge chunk of the interaction you should be having with her. It's best to start dancing with a girl after you've had some sort of contact already. Buy her a drink, pay her a compliment, or [ideally] have a conversation before you pull out your one move on the dance floor. Nothing says creepy to a girl like a surprise grinder molesting her on the dance floor before he's even made eye contact with her.

In Bar Boy's case, he'd already established a good 10-15 minute conversation before moving things to the dance floor. On this particular night, my friends and I closed down the bar so we'd actually been ushered from the bar side to the dance hall out of necessity. Once on the dance floor however, Bar Boy actually danced. Not only that, but he was able to achieve the perfect balance of sexy, yet appropriate dance behavior: touching without groping and closeness without grinding. [There may have also been a little kissing, but a real lady would never tell.]

End result: Bar Boy got my number.

Flirting 101: Eco Boy

2010-01-19T07:57:00.038-06:00

Several months ago, before I became 'unemployed girl,' I was actually 'Greenpeace girl.'

It was my paid job to stand outside on the chilly, rainy streets of Chicago and convince passersby to hand over their credit cards in the name of saving the planet. It sounds like a crap job, I know, but I've never felt so fulfilled at anything in my life. Not to mention the fact that my job required me to come out of my shy-girl shell and actually talk to strangers.

More importantly, I got to talk to cute boys.

One particular not-so-rainy workday, I was positioned at a corner near Columbia College downtown. It should be said that, for Greenpeace canvassers, Columbia is both a blessing and a curse: on the one hand, most of the street traffic consists of artistic bleeding-hearts who fully support the cause you're fighting for; on the other hand, they are students and that usually doesn't equal a steady income.

Being faced with monetary arguments was my one downfall as a Greenpeace canvasser. To me, you can't argue broke [even if it's what you've been trained to do]. My heart goes out to the planet, but it also goes out to the poor; I just couldn't argue with people over their last spare dime.

About halfway thru my day at Columbia, I stopped a cute boy with gauged ears who gave me the usual 'broke college student' argument. Sensing his genuine regret for not being able to help out and noting the recycle button on the strap of his backpack, I only half-heartedly pressured him further. Upon receiving my second 'I'm sorry, I can't' response, we settled into a casual conversation that can only take place between two eco-minded individuals. He was apparently very much involved in the campus' recycling program and mentioned an event that they were holding in honor of Climate Action Day that weekend. He invited me to stop in and I didn't have the heart to tell him I would be out of town. Soon after, he went along his way and I returned to begging for eco-funds.

A few moments later however, Eco Boy returned. He opened his backpack and handed me a Columbia Recycling t-shirt, mumbling something about hoping it was the right size.
I'm pretty sure it's the first time I've ever lit up over a white cotton t-shirt.

I know it sounds stupid, but in my opinion, the t-shirt said "I like you." Before you write me off as crazy, hear me out: if he'd had it on him during our first interaction, I'm sure he would have given it out then, making for a much less interesting story. What his return visit suggested was that he'd thought about me long enough after our conversation to seek out a t-shirt in my size and make the trip back over to give it to me.

If he was trying to get me to notice him, he'd played the game flawlessly. First, by catching my attention during our initial meeting [boys who recycle are sexy], then, by returning to give me a present.

Probably one of my top 5 flirtations with a stranger ever and I didn't even get his last name [which makes it very difficult to cyber-stalk someone].

Heartbreak 101: How to recover from a break up

2010-01-18T01:37:00.006-06:00

So it happened: you've been dumped.

Or perhaps you did the dumping, but you're still pretty broken up about it.

Whether it's your first break up or your tenth, it still stings.
[However, if it IS your tenth, might I suggest some therapy to figure out why you keep choosing to put yourself thru this?]

Regardless of how it happened, here are some things to remember:

1. This is going to hurt and it's going to hurt for awhile. If you ascribe to the Sex and the City philosophy, it takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them. Personally, I find that it's more like a third of the time. Went out for a year? They'll be out of your system in four months. Dated for a month? Give yourself a week and a half.

2. You'll think you're over it a hundred times before you actually are. One of the best bits of wisdom I ever got from my therapist is that breaking up is like dealing with death. You'll go thru all the stages of grief [denial, anger, bargaining, depression, etc.] and you'll go thru them more than once until you finally reach full acceptance. But here's a secret I learned on my own: for most of the stages you're not mourning the loss of this other person in your life, you're actually mourning the loss of the relationship itself. After putting so much time and energy into something, it's only natural to be bummed when it all comes crumbling down. It's like watching your best built snowman melt in the afternoon sun. Realize that it's not the person that you're missing, but rather the comfort of the relationship you built together and eventually you can build one again with someone more worthy.

3. It's okay to be alone for awhile. I know, your automatic reaction is to jump right back into the dating pool to avoid that lonely empty feeling that keeps tugging at your soul, but that's usually a bad idea. The rebound relationship is a cliche for a reason: it happens all the time and you usually regret it. Personally, I think that the more time you spend alone after a break up, the quicker the whole grieving process can end. Distracting yourself with a second relationship only delays you from dealing with the emotions of the first one. I speak from experience when I say that rebounding will only make the heartbreak hit you harder, once your shiny new toy has lost some of it's unique appeal. Being alone after breaking up allows you time not only to really feel what you're going thru and eventually get it out of your system, but also to reassess your life alone. It's amazing how complicated it is trying to distinguish the things that you like from the things that you liked for them.

4. If you must rebound, make it quick and meaningless. Do not, I repeat: DO NOT rebound with someone you hope to be friends with after the relationship ends. As heartless as it sounds, your rebound should be like those Kleenex you're using to dry your tears: comforting to have around for the moment, but easily disposable when things get messy. And trust me, YOU will be the thing that gets messy. Once you realize that all of those residual feelings from the breakup are still stirring inside of you, it's time to get out of this so called relationship and deal with the emotions on your own. Don't drag your poor rebound onto your sinking ship; they didn't make that mess and they certainly don't deserve to have to clean it up. Cut them loose before either of you gets too attached; you're in no position to have someone at your side if you can't even stand on your own two feet yet.

5. You will soon feel invincible. If this is your first REAL heartbreak, you can rest assured that nothing will ever hurt like this again. It's both sad and comforting to know that your heart hardens with that first break. Afterwards, you're not only smarter about who you give your love to, but you'll also never lose yourself in your emotions quite like that first time. It might sound rather unromantic, but there's a strange euphoria that comes with this realization. It's comforting to know that no one else will ever hurt you in this same way again. Realize that if you can survive this, you can survive just about anything life throws at you.
♥

My love life in a nutshell.

2010-01-16T20:04:00.001-06:00

In my life, I've had only 4 noteworthy relationships:

1 womanizing first kiss who strung me along for a year of teenage angst while he had sex with his ex on the side.

1 ill-advised fling with a bipolar alcoholic that's a classic example of my need to rescue people.

1 rebound relationship with an honest to goodness sociopath who was involved with at least 8 girls at the same time and 'engaged' to at least 3.

and

1 Real Love that lasted for 6 1/2 years...he married the girl he left me for 3 months after we broke up.

I'm a pro at relationship crash courses: I may not have many, but the ones I've had teach me the lessons hard & fast.

Love, at various stages of my life, has been the cause of 2 major depressive episodes, 6 months of medication, and 1 month of therapy [which btw, was the best decision I ever made]. I've learned more about myself getting over a relationship than I ever did being in one. And for the first time in my life, I actually feel in control of the romantic choices I'm making.

Do I know everything I need to know? No. Will I continue to make mistakes? Absolutely. But hopefully I'm still learning as I go and remembering what it feels like to be in control of my own destiny.

I want to help you feel the same way.
♥

Why Experience Preferred?

2010-01-15T16:30:00.004-06:00

This blog is called "Experience Preferred." Why? Well, for several reasons:

The most obvious and yet least important reason is because I am currently unemployed. "Experience preferred" is a phrase I see often these days skimming thru the job listings and therefore, it's a daily [very frustrating] part of my life.

However, that is not the type of experience I'm referring to in the title of this blog.

What this blog will [hopefully] deal with is the experience of love and relationships. By no means do I consider myself an expert in this area, but it is a subject I ponder often and have been told I offer the occasional insights into.

Agree or disagree, if anyone can leave this site with a better peace of mind about themselves or their relationship, I'm a happy girl.